i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
