i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
