we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I think your dad took our porno
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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