he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize