Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
