I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
