Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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