Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
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