you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
