if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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