what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
