Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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