Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just gargled with NyQuil
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
