She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
