i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
