Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
