i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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