My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
