Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
