drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
