he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
