I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
