Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
