but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
