I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
