I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
