At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
