My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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