saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
