I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
