if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
