After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
should my penis look like a turkey
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
