My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
