oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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