I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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