i wish peter jackson would direct porn
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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