So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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