I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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