i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
