Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
