I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
