i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
