Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
