So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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