Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
