i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
