listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
