I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
