Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
