Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
