Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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