So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
