I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
