guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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