Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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