someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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