Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
