why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
