What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
