thus making me awesome and them whores
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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