I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize