i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize