I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
