Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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