Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
