hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
