I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
