update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
