dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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