Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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