i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
