I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
