Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
