My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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