We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
