I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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